In 2004, Janet Jackson exposed her right nipple on national television. You can stare at the Sun longer than her nipple was on-screen. No matter. The FCC got 1.4 million complaints over this assault on all things American. The intensity and number of complaints were so great that the FCC stepped up safeguards to prevent such an occurrence from happening again.

You are still allowed to go blind by staring at the Sun.

In 2014, the FCC is considering to (a) raise your Internet connection costs and (b) hamper access of your personal website. Or your theater’s website. Or your agent’s website. Or your movie’s website. Or your charity’s website. Or even this website. (Unless, of course, the websites pay extra money. This is America, after all, where extortion is considered just another form of capitalistic innovation.)

In short, the FCC wants to redesign the Internet. They will do this by getting rid of what is known as Net Neutrality.

So far, the FCC has received only 50% the number of complaints about this redesign than they did for Jackson’s nipple. Which means that Americans are (correctly) more concerned about what a baby sucks than if the Internet sucks.

We must continue to keep the number of complaints low otherwise the FCC is likely to take action and you won’t be able to pay more for the Internet. It is in that spirit that I’m calling upon everyone reading this column to do nothing about this situation. That’s right. I want you to ignore this short, amusing video that explains Net Neutrality. In fact, I forbid you from watching it. Yes. I have the power to do that. At least until the FCC takes it away.

(Did you miss the simulated porn in the video? Good!)

And while I’m at it, I also forbid you from writing to the FCC by using this very simple form. Or, if you prefer, to ignore the step-by-step instructions on this website.

And, because the United States House of Representatives just slipped in an amendment to destroy Net Neutrality, I especially beg, plead, and implore you not to open up this website which makes it easy for you to express yourself to your Congressional Representative.

And, for the love of theater, the arts, and society, please under no circumstances share this column on all your social media outlets.

All you have to do is be apathetic or cynical or just plain lazy until the deadline this Friday (July 18) at midnight passes. Is that too much to ask? After all, an impotent rant after Friday midnight is far more satisfying to the soul than actually spending a few minutes dealing with your government now. Much easier to post on social media your thanks to veterans’ service to the country than contribute to the country yourself. Besides, you have a whole set of Buzzfeed quizzes that need filling out before the Internet rates rise.

Because this is America, where boobs are more fascinated by nipples.

 

Originally published July 16, 2014 in Bitter Lemons.